It’s five months later and I’m finally ready to talk about Germany.

It wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t the absolute worst thing ever and I had no good memories at all. But it was hard. It was so hard to look my fears right in the eye and not be able to do a damn thing about it. It was my worst fear come true–being far from home (16 hours) and not being able to just leave.

The flight there was just so uncomfortable. My boyfriend and I had our own row to ourselves so I could lay down a little if I wanted to. It was an overnight flight so everyone was sleeping. But for some reason the rows just seemed small and cramped and I started to get claustrophobic.

First of all I was under the impression that international flight seats were bigger than transcontinental flights. They most certainly are NOT.

I arrived in Munich wanting to take the next plane home. Hell, I didn’t even want to get off that plane. I was just ready to go wherever and hope it took me back to America. Even if it’s California–my mom can drive and pick me up. Rational thinking, right?
My teacher convinced me to just wait it out, just get to the hotel and take a nap. It was 8am when we arrived but it was 1am back home. But the hotel was in Wurzburg which was like an hour away and we were taking a bus which meant no bathroom.

It felt like it took forever to get there. The driver did not go .5 a mph over the speed limit. When we finally got there I took most of the day to rest. Once I got to see the room and I kind of had a “safe place” I felt a little better.

But I still couldn’t stop measuring the how much further we got from the airport–from home. My mind was still telling me to STOP. Turn around. Go back.

We had dinner with the group that night at this authentic Italian place where I had the absolute best spaghetti ever. It was literally just noodles and sauce but I’ll never have anything top that again. After that my boyfriend and I were able to walk around Wurzburg a little bit. Wurzberg was basically our home base for most of the trip. We ended in Munich for a day and a half.

Walking around and familiarizing myself with the place helped a lot. It didn’t feel so big and scary. The city was big but not too big. It had bookshops, malls, cafes, etc. It had the historic feel but it definitely felt modern, too.

The next day we took the train to Rothenburg. Now I’ve only been on a train once and it was just to try the local train and there was no one on it. But the train and the train station was well-used. I also made the mistake of sitting backwards. Then my teacher said the ride would be an hour and a half? I swear to god my soul left my body.

We were already moving by then so I was originally going to ask my teacher when the next stop was and if I could get off and go back to the hostel and maybe did she have any Xanax? But I asked if there was a bathroom instead. Getting up and moving around and having a bathroom where I could just be alone to freak out helped me. I was able to make it to Rothenburg, which I’m grateful for.

I told myself all I needed was to see Rothenburg for my mom and then I can just stay at the hostel. But I made it and I really loved it. I didn’t wear my snow boots and ended up falling so much that the people in my group eventually stopped asking if I was okay.

We hit up one city a day. We went to Rothenburg, Bamburg, and Nurnburg. I didn’t go to Nurnburg because towards the end of the trip I just really wanted to go home. Although I really enjoyed seeing Germany, the constant keeping my fear in check and trying to enjoy my time was hard. I actually spent a lot of time exploring Wurzburg with my boyfriend and we loved it.

The McDonald’s in Europe has vegan fries and it was right across from the hostel. I won’t lie and say we had McDonald’s twice a day most days

The night before we were going to Munich was when I had my worst panic attack. I stayed up all night trying to get a flight home. We were planning on taking a bus to Munich which would be over 3 hours with only one stop. I genuinely didn’t think I would make it. I get an upset stomach when I have anxiety and if I don’t have a bathroom it just makes everything so much worse. I cried and had severe shaking. I paced the room all night.

My teacher, the absolute saint that she is, was able to get me and my boyfriend on a train to Munich, which was half an hour faster and had a bathroom. It was also the nicest train I’ve ever been on. It was like a moving restaurant and it had wifi. Definitely the most comfortable ride of the trip.

I didn’t like Munich. When we got there it just reminded me of New York. It looked dirty and busy and it was too much. I had to keep my eyes down the whole walk to our hotel because there was just so much going on that I was getting overstimulated.

Munich was easier for me to tolerate at night. I didn’t go out with my group at all, in fact I rarely saw them until we left. My boyfriend and I actually stumbled upon a LGBT Christmas market. He found it online and it was called the Pink something so naturally I wanted to go. When we got there everyone was packed together like sardines and it was literally impossible to move without pushing through people. It was not fun, but I got a cute mug!

Traveling back to the states was a whole different anxiety altogether. I swear it just got worse and worse the whole way.

First, I hadn’t eaten all night. I tried to find a place to eat but nothing opened until 8 and we left the hotel at 5am. When I’m hungry I am not my best self. Combine that with anxiety and I’ll rip your face right off.

The security line at Frankfurt airport was ridiculously long. I mean more than the amount of kids in a high school kind of long. When we finally made it through security there was no food for us to eat. There were no restaurants, only a big convenience store, which meant all I could eat was chips. And that meant I wouldn’t eat until we got to North Carolina, 11 hours later. The airplane didn’t have jackshit for us to eat. We got crackers and that was it. Even the frozen pasta had loads of cheese on it.

Now, if waiting for take-off isn’t stressful enough, imagine having to take a bus to your plane. That means you get on the plane and you don’t get off. I was already worried that I would freak out and not be able to get on the plane and then be stuck in Germany. Now I had to take a crowded bus 5 minutes to my plane?

It took 4 buses full of people to fill up the plane. Which I guess doesn’t sound like a lot but it sure took forever.

The plane to North Carolina honestly wasn’t too long. I think because it was a day flight it felt better. When we got to NC I had additional anxiety about getting on the plane to Texas because why wouldn’t I? The flight was only like an hour but honestly compared to the 11 hour flight we just had, it felt like 30 minutes.

Talking about the bad parts of Germany is hard. I think it was in a way traumatizing. I had anxiety the whole way there, the whole time there, the whole way back, and for a week after. When I came home, I didn’t feel the same and nothing looked the same and it scared me. My worst fear had come true.

But also…my worst fear had come true…and I survived. I didn’t enjoy all of it and I hated having anxiety. But I got an experience and I lived out one of my dreams. I have beautiful memories and I shared something special with my boyfriend. There were so many good things that came from that trip that outweigh the bad.

Would I do it again? Hell no. Would I want to visit Germany again for a shorter amount of time visiting only one city and not overloading myself? Sure, maybe.

I survived and it wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to me. When I think about the trip now I remember the good things. Even though I just spoke about the bad. But honestly does anyone really care about how exciting a two-story bookstore is?

Sometimes my boyfriend and I will be like “remember in Germany when…”

“Remember when the cashier got mad that we stood our drinks up and slammed them down because apparently the drinks need to be laying down?”

“Remember when I kept coughing in the church during the tour?”

“Remember when all we could find to eat was sunflower seed bread and I kept choking on the seeds?”

“Remember when THAT girl tried to make everyone in our group have dinner with her old exchange family who no one besides her knew?”

“Remember how we could never find any food to eat past 9pm?”

When I think back on Germany I remember the good things and now I can laugh about how scared I was. I’d like to think that it’s progress.