Second Trip of 2019: Going to Ohio

In 4 days I’ll be taking a flight to Ohio with my boyfriend. We’re going to surprise his family, mostly his mom who’s been doing chemo. His dad is the only one that knows we’re coming because we wanted to make sure we could stay with them and because the flight lands at midnight and we need someone to pick us up.
The flight is a little longer than the last one I took in May–it’s 2 and a half hours. It’s not that bad if I can download a movie or a few episodes of something on Netflix to keep my mind at ease. That’s what I did for the last flight and it worked pretty well. I had bought the wifi for the plane ride to Wisconsin in May and nothing would load except Facebook so all I could do was send messages. So Netflix letting me download episodes/movies makes me real happy.
The thing is, I’ll be staying with his family who I’ve only met once. There’s really nothing that I could control since I don’t have a car. It seems weird to visit someone and ask them to take us to get food or drive us to and from the airport. It might be different if my boyfriend knew how to drive because they would let him use the car, but he doesn’t and I would never ask to use their car myself.
It’s hard to go somewhere and not know what to expect. I don’t like the uncertainty of things, of not knowing where something is, what we’re doing, how long something will take, etc. Everything in my life generally has to be in my control.
My boyfriend is pretty good with my anxiety but I can’t always expect him to be there, especially since we’re visiting his family who he doesn’t get to see that often. So while I’m there I don’t really want to lean on him too much. We’ve already talked about outcomes and how to handle them so we should be on the same page.
When I travel I try not to think too much about it before we go all the way up until the shut the door to the plane. That’s when I allow myself to have the anxiety because there’s really no turning back. Once we’re in the air I have some anxiety but I guess since there’s nothing I can actually DO about it, my anxiety doesn’t get that bad. It’s at its worst when we’re about to take off and I have that small window of time when I can actually say no, nevermind I can’t do this, let me off.
But on the flight back it’s different. My agoraphobia started when I decided I couldn’t get on a plane going home 5 years ago. So the plane ride home is always the most important because if I don’t get on that plane, I’m screwed. There’s a mix of anxiety that I won’t get on the plane, but then there’s excitement that I made it through the trip and the only hurdle I have left is the plane ride home.
We booked the flight back at the end of June and I’ve been fine with my anxiety up until a few days ago when I realized that the flight was a week away. My anxiety seems to take up different forms and lately it’s just me being really needy. I guess it’s because when we go, all I have to lean on is my boyfriend so maybe subconsciously I’m trying to make sure he’ll be there for me when we go.
In reality I think it will be a really good experience and I’m mostly just happy that my boyfriend gets to see his family. I’m sure everything will be fine, I just like to be prepared for as much as I can.