It’s hard to say I’ve relapsed or not when you pretty much aren’t even allowed to go anywhere.

Honestly, what even counts as a relapse for me? It seems like my anxiety ebbs and flows. Sometimes I’m able to go 30 minutes away, sometimes I can’t. Right now I can drive like 20 minutes on the freeway, no problem, but god help us if I need to go somewhere 30 minutes away.

My boyfriend and I took a trip this last week. We went to a hotel about 30 minutes away. Honestly, the drive wasn’t even bad. It didn’t seem far at all. But the whole time we were there I was just constantly thinking about rush hour and how long it would take to come back home and what if I had bad anxiety at like 4pm and I needed my mom to pick me up and I had to wait like an hour before I got home? I literally didn’t even get to enjoy the trip and neither did my boyfriend. We weren’t even that far and it was just so much anxiety.

I kept planning my way out. I didn’t unpack and I kept everything close together just in case I needed to leave immediately. When we went to pick up dinner I thought “Okay, well we’re closer to the house now that we’re not in the room, so that’s good.”

I didn’t even sleep the first night, mainly because the room was so hot. It wouldn’t go under 67 no matter what, and I need to sleep at 62. It doesn’t seem like a huge difference but I promise it is!

So it wasn’t even really a vacation for me. I didn’t enjoy much of it. The place was fairly pretty but it was just way too humid. I hate Texas.

My city mandated that we have to wear masks in all businesses. It’s totally understandable but I hate it. I can’t be in businesses for too long because I can’t breathe. So usually I would be able to go grocery shopping or whatever and that would be my little excursion but now I can’t even be in the building for more than 10 minutes without freaking out because I can’t breathe. I don’t go for walks because it’s hotter than Satan’s balls here. So it feels like I’m just stuck in the house.

I started to go to therapy about 3 months ago. I like her a lot. She’s helped me realize that I’m way too hard on myself. I worry about what didn’t go right or how it SHOULD have gone, instead of praising myself for what I did actually do.

I did actually go to the hotel 30 minutes away.
I did actually try something new, even though it didn’t pan out in the end.
I did actually go to another city with my boyfriend so he can buy a car.


I recently also switched medications; from Prozac to Cymbalta. I was put on the Prozac for anxiety and I didn’t know just how bad my depression was since I was on Prozac for like 6 years. Switching to Cymbalta I see a little difference in my anxiety but not too much. However, my depression came full force and with no mercy. Granted we are in a pandemic and we’ve all basically been locked down for the past 3 or so months, so I can’t be too hard on myself.

That’s really all I can do right now is try to not be so hard on myself. We’re all just doing the best we can right now, with the limited things that we can do. I’ve been reading up on meditation and mindfulness in hopes that I can slow down my mind. I haven’t actually had the opportunity to practice anything yet because, well, I never made myself. But reading up on it counts as a first step, right?