I leave in 17 days. 17 days! That’s just barely over two weeks. Everything is paid for and reserved. I’m going through my school so it’s less stress for me to try and figure out reservations and stuff. Luckily we aren’t using a travel/tour service so it’s basically just my teacher taking some people to see Germany.

Now…it’s time to complain.

It seems like everything is trying to prevent me from going to Germany. First, I rescued a kitten that turned out to have a lot wrong with her and it cleared out my funds for Germany. Luckily she’s okay but it was very convenient that her vet bill cost as much as my savings.

Then my brakes literally just fell off my car while I was driving. I didn’t crash or anything but my car needed to be fixed. After we fixed that, my brakes were shot within 2 weeks. Now my steering wheel is hard to turn but I can’t afford to fix it until we get back from Germany.

I have plantar fasciitis in my foot so bad that at one point I couldn’t walk and needed to get 3 steroid shots (very painful). I got my last one in October and my foot seemed to be doing really well up until this past week.

BUT THEN my back started to hurt. I haven’t gone to the doctor yet but I will soon. I think it’s sciatica where a disc is pressing on a nerve. The pain is in my lower back and shoots down my legs. It started in one leg, with no back pain, and then it went to my back and now it’s both legs and it seems to be going further and further down my leg. Sitting is so unbelievably painful. I can’t sit or stand/walk.

I want to see a doctor for my back before I go because if I have to sit on a plane for 9.5 hours with this pain, I will scream and cry.

I am actually very nervous about Germany. It’s different to travel in the US where my mom could just come pick me up if she absolutely needed to. But if I’m overseas I can’t just ask her to get me. I have to wait for a plane, which could be hours or even days. That’s what scares me most–is how long I would have to wait. For some reason the time to get back is longer than it is to get there so it’s about 10.5 hours and then we have a layover in North Carolina.

I’m also worried about the traveling while we’re there. It’s like a tier of anxiety; like when you have a dream within a dream. I’m traveling, while I’m in a completely new country. I’ve never taken trains or public transport so I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I don’t know how long the rides will be, how busy they’ll be, if there will be traffic, or even if there is traffic. What if the ride is 40 minutes and I need to go to the restroom?

Most of all I’m afraid of the plane ride. What if I get on and as soon as we take off, I freak out? Or as soon as we’re overseas, I freak out? I don’t want to start off the trip on the wrong foot.

But these are all just unknowns. I’m so, so afraid of what I don’t know and it doesn’t let me enjoy learning and experiencing things.

What if I go and I’m fine?

What if I go and I don’t want to leave because it’s so beautiful?

What if I actually let myself feel happiness?

Going to Germany has been my one and only consistent dream my entire life. I want this to happen. I just have to stop sabotaging myself and let me be happy.